Creating resources for coping with pet loss
When I filmed ‘Goodnight, Friend’ in 2018, I didn’t realise it would lead to me becoming part of a community of artists, researchers, and practitioners who are all looking for different ways to help people cope with pet loss.
Last month, I was invited to take part in an online workshop that focused on sharing good practice in pet bereavement, organised by Professor Julie-Marie Strange (Durham University) and Diane James (Blue Cross). As part of the workshop, I was able to screen my short documentary, ‘Goodnight, Friend’ to a new audience as well as learn about the work and research that the other speakers are doing on the topic of pet bereavement.
Julie-Marie’s planned outcome for this workshop (and others in the series) is to bring people together to form a network and eventually create a website that will be the home of many different resources and research on the subject of pet loss. The workshops are linked to an AHRC funded project on Pets and Family Life.
A Vet’s Perspective
The first speaker was veterinarian and researcher, Dr Zoe Belshaw, who shared her experience of euthanasia as a practising vet. Zoe discussed how euthanasia decisions and well-being should be considered from three separate perspectives: owner, animal, and vet. Whilst owners may try to shift the decision making onto the vet when it comes to euthanasia, Zoe stressed that actively trying to understand an owner’s perspective can help vets to guide owners through the process.
Covid-19 has meant that some veterinary practices have had to make the awful choice between keeping their staff safe and allowing owners into the practice during euthanasia consultations. Zoe expressed her sadness that vets are not able to properly comfort owners at this time.
She also highlighted that owners can begin the grieving process before the death of their pet, but often do not seek help at this stage as they feel their grief is not legitimate. After Zoe’s presentation, one workshop participant said:
“Thank you for stressing anticipatory grief. It is not recognised and people really find it difficult.”
I find the veterinary perspective on euthanasia extremely interesting as it is such a complex mixture of managing owners’ emotions and understanding, the animal’s welfare, and the impact that regularly being in this position can have on a vet’s own mental health. My conversations with experienced vet, Robin Hargreaves, during the filming of ‘Goodnight, Friend’ were extremely thought-provoking and made me have even more respect for the physically and emotionally draining job that vets do.
Memorialising Our Pets
The workshop continued with a presentation from Nicola Salkeld and Ashley Rudolph, who are designers and researchers based at Falmouth University. They explained the design process behind the Goodbye Box and accompanying advice book ‘Saying Goodbye to Dr Tinkle’. Their project was inspired by Nicola’s own experience talking to her daughter about the death of her rabbit. They hope that this product and the sense of ritual can be used by parents to help their children understand when their pets die, give them a sense of being included in what happens to their pet, as well as giving them a way of honouring the role their pet had in the family. One workshop participant wrote in the live chat:
“Really interesting - love the resources you’re working on for helping children manage death - it’s tricky for many adults so encouraging those conversations is really important.”
Next, Kevin Spurgeon joined the discussion to tell us about the work of his company, Dignity Pet Crematorium, based in Hampshire. He also treated us to a brief history of pet cemeteries in the UK, such as Chobham Pet Cemetery in Surrey, which was established in 1932 by a couple who wanted to bury their dog somewhere special and which soon became a community place of remembrance.
When filming ‘Goodnight, Friend’, I spent a day at a pet cemetery in Lancashire that not only has a license to bury pets, but also humans. I know that many people will consider that to be quite strange, but for some, the idea of being laid to rest by the side of their faithful friends is clearly a comfort. I myself keep the ashes of my pets close to the heart of my home in what would probably seem to some people as a rather morbid display. I find their closeness a comfort and so make no apology for the way I choose to memorialise my pets, as indeed nobody should.
Rossendale Pet Crematorium and Memorial Gardens as featured in ‘Goodnight, Friend’
Tributes left by the side of a grave in the beautiful memorial garden.
Pet Bereavement Support Service
Diane James, Manager of the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support Service, rounded off the presentations with a summary of the work that the Pet Bereavement Support Service do to support bereaved pet owners, as well as owners who have experienced pet loss in a different way. For example, the PBSS receives many calls from people whose pets have been stolen as well as those who have had to make the difficult decision to give up their animal for adoption due to a change in their financial or housing circumstances, including older people who have not been allowed to take their pet with them when they move into care homes. PBSS are keen to emphasise this aspect of their work as the service is open to everyone.
I remember when I first found out about PBSS whilst researching ‘Goodnight, Friend’ that I felt reassured there is such a wonderful service out there to help people and wish I’d known about them much sooner. It was great to hear how they are continually evolving to find new ways to let people know their service exists, especially young people who may be less inclined to pick up the phone, but I also felt sad to hear of some of the new challenges they are facing, such as how to console distraught owners who have not been able to be present in their pets last moments due to Covid-19 restrictions.
The PBSS grief cycle that is used to train their volunteers.
Screening Goodnight, Friend
From the audience feedback and lovely comments I received, I know that ‘Goodnight, Friend’ is touching people in the way I hoped it would.
“Thank you for sharing your incredible heartfelt film. Such an important topic and so very moving.”
I always had it in mind that the film would become a resource for people who are either dealing with pet loss themselves or seeking to better understand it. However, my film is just one resource that is available and different people may be drawn to different kinds of resources to deal with their grief, such as advice books, music, and ways that help them memorialise their pets.
It feels inspiring to be part of this group of people who are trying to find new ways to help others deal with losing their pets. The workshop has reminded me that there is so much left to explore when it comes to the topic of pet bereavement. I am now considering how I can follow up my work on ‘Goodnight, Friend’ in a future film project, but in the meantime, I will enjoy continuing to share ‘Goodnight, Friend’ with new audiences and connecting with other like-minded people.
